Photo credit: Beulah Davina

There is a force. You cannot see it, at first, but you can feel it. It surrounds you, clogs up the air, chokes up your insides and, before long, you realise you cannot breathe. You stand in it. You suffer in it. Break in it. Shake, cry and wriggle in it. Then, consequently, the futile attempts of resistance catch up to you, you feel drained, exhausted and you cannot move.

You try everything in your might to run from it, to find a way to escape or to create another path which offers lightness. But you are blinded. Try as you may, you cannot run. You cannot escape. It finds you, time and time again, and ultimately hooks you. You become stuck and you remain in a place where darkness prevails.

Surveying my environment I take in my surroundings, one piece at a time. Hoping to find solace in the things around me, in the relationships and love I surround myself by and taking stock of my accomplishments. I try to find solace in such things because I need those things to remind me, in a dark place such as this, that there is light – or at least there is a potential for it. But, still, this probing force pushes deeper into my psyche and the darkness consumes. And I remain in it, unwillingly and willingly all the same.

You try everything in your might to run from it, to find a way to escape or to create another path which offers lightness. But you are blinded. Try as you may, you cannot run. You cannot escape. 

There are many times where I have found myself stuck; when planning or delivering projects, when forging relationships or building networks, when writing, when carrying/covering loved ones, when moving forward, when leaving bad habits behind, when opening/closing love, when loving myself.

I have sat and mulled over lost potential, of what could have been. When my tongue was tangled and my mind overworked. Being stuck in a quagmire of doubt and fear drains. It’s supposed to. In such moments I focus every ounce of energy into simultaneously fighting the immobility while acquiescing to it. It’s a conflicting state. It’s conflicting because we don’t know what to do with it. Whether you draw it to the forefront of your consciousness or you push it to the back, it remains and lingers, reminding you that it is here. That it is not leaving you. That, again, you cannot escape.

So you have to ask, what will free you? What will cause you to move?

It’s a conflicting state. It’s conflicting because we don’t know what to do with it. 

Here’s an example. I worked hard, planned and implemented the vision of my debut release Lizard & Other Stories. I worked. Brought others on board. Shared the vision. They latched on. We worked. I doubted. We worked. I cried. We worked. I crashed. We worked. It was released, then I hid. Why? All of a sudden it had become too much. I looked at myself and thought; ‘this is going to be a mess, this isn’t going to work, you’re not smart enough to push this’. A part of me believed, but since I have been working relentlessly on prioritising loving and encouraging myself, I fought back. You see, these are dark places I have inhabited all my life, pulled up a seat, sat at its table, drank from its glass, eaten its produce. It was in me. It was a part of who I had become.

This was the valuable lesson I learnt from this period of ‘stuck-ness’. It was in me. I could no longer look outwardly, but rather channel my energy into looking inwardly. To sit through the pain and to listen.

There is a lesson in this period of being or feeling stuck, and, no matter how distant it seems at the time, there is peace in this. That peace is within you, not in the situation or the circumstance. Peace is in it because you are in it. Doubt and fear are natural. Instead of fighting it, I’m learning to be still. I’m learning to not allow it to dictate but rather to accept it plays a crucial role in me unlocking the next step to where I need to be. There are rare instances where we have the chance to undo the hurt we’ve caused ourselves and others, and other instances where we have to release and acknowledge it for what it is. What’s more, we need to accept it.

That peace is within you, not in the situation or the circumstance. Peace is in it because you are in it.

Until you sit with yourself, until you listen, you will not be able to move forward on the path of lightness that you crave and deserve.

– with love + light, Mx